I Spent Twenty Years Becoming Good at the Wrong Game
A personal reflection on the disillusionment of a high-level academic researcher in Russia who realizes their life's work lacks genuine substance. The author describes the process of leaving academia after two decades.
Why it matters
Highlights the systemic issues within academic research and the personal toll of pursuing prestige over meaningful contribution.
In February 2024, I defended my second dissertation and earned the highest academic degree Russia awards. By June, I knew I wanted out. Out of this kind of research, out of this academic system and out of this country.
Russia has two successive research degrees: the Candidate of Sciences, roughly equivalent to a PhD, and the Doctor of Sciences, a later, higher doctorate. I earned both. You do not need to remember the titles. The point is that I had cleared both major levels of the game before finally admitting that I no longer wanted the life attached to its prize.
This was not an impulsive post-defense crash. The crisis had been building for years -- years spent grinding, adding complexity, and taking all sorts of detours instead of grabbing myself by the balls and admitting that I was climbing a ladder propped against the wrong building.
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